sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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