8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
