R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
