babies were throwing up all over the place
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
