I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
