i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
