You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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