ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
