and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
