Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
