just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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