Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.