Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.