"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
