Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
