I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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