Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
