i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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