I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
