it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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