i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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