Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
