I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
