Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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