I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have tasted many bathrooms
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
