i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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