on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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