My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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