got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
