his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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