I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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