Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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