It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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