blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
