i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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