the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
