Only a mothe r could love this liver
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
