how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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