did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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