Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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