I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
