tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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