It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
