Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
