I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
