nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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