The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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