you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
