I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
