Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
