Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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