if you like me you must not know who I am
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
