Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
