Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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